just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
