you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You are the jesus of drinking
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
