oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't deserve a penis
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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