Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
