Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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