I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
wow bdsm is so cute
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
