You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
