I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
