Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
