I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I deserve this hangover.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
