nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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