A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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