I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
