my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Come on in and take your pants off
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