Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
