We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
