I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
