I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
