he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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