I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I did not marry a roomba.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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