Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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