Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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