How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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