I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
