You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
