I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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