My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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