his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
