I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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