I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize