I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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