it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize