She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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