somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
this hospital has no fireball
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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