Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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