true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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