I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
