3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
