Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
