Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
