hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
