I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
