oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
