I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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