So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And my parents said I crawled through the house
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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