I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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