I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
