Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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