I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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