everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
