Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
