White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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