Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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