Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
